Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists

FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg

How do you milk an almond?

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor

I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.

I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”

What a weirdo.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous

GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!

GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?

This meal prepping shit is easy

Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety

My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in

If you live a certain type of lifestyle, you can tell a colleague, “And then the mice sent an assassin who tried to kill me,” and there won’t even be any follow-up questions.

Today I found out my nephew is scared of the vacuum..

Today I also found out I have a very dark cruel evil side to me..

it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve

This book I found in my closet says to treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents.

I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.

I don’t drink coffee all the time.
I take breaks in between to make another one

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

“More than 1 way to skin a cat” – “Killing 2 birds with 1 stone” – Running like a chicken with its head cut off”
— who ARE we???

Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶

Optometrist: “You need glasses.”

I like to send homemade gifts to people.

Which one of my kids do you want?

Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?

It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.

I bet the worst part about kidnapping someone is knowing they are just sitting there in your trunk, judging your choice in music.

PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh

I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background