Today I saw a house that has a little replica of itself on the outside for some reason but THE LITTLE REPLICA ALSO HAS A LITTLE REPLICA WHAT IS THIS
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me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
We were stuck in traffic once when I was a kid and I had to pee so badly that I cried and my mom gave me a coffee cup to pee in and I think about that day every time I pee in a coffee cup.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
You’re the Pepsi of people.
Some people like you, but they’re wrong.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
I love that technology has advanced so much that Alexa can understand me with my mouth full of crisps
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I find few things more alarming than a toddler with a permanent marker in her hand.
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked