Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
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If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
First date
Him: What do you do?
Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]
“I’m a model.”
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
[taco bell 2am]
*lethally stoned*
me: “nine cheesy crunchy chupacabras”
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
I want you to know that whatever problems you’re having I’m hear to ‘like’ them. 🙃
This is top tier marketing 😂🤣
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
“Lemme do a quick poop and I’ll be right with you.” – me working the deli counter
heard that the average person swallows eight spiders in their sleep a year
rookie numbers
my personal best was 49 back in ’11
the secret? look for and eat the spiders while you’re awake
no one ever thinks of that
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
The problem with having a large imagination is that you can imagine your friends naked. Now you’re doing it too.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.
(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,