Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?

Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?

Programming Skills: PRIMARILY RUBY AND PYTHON BUT I CAN USE ANY TYPE OF GEM TO CONTROL ANY TYPE OF SNAKE

Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.

if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown

Im writing a parenting book called kids won’t listen until you scream like your mother did.

At my job interview today the Boss said,

“You’re shaking, don’t be so nervous.”

So I told him, “Oh, I’m not nervous, I’m an alcoholic.”

“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.
The putter ordered a beer, the pitching wedge ordered a gin & tonic.

The barman asked the third one if he wanted anything,

He replied “No thanks, I’m the driver”.

#Wednesdaymorning

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly

new career option?

I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.

I fought the law, and it turns out they have better resources than I do.

Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?

It never occurs to people too stupid to look both ways before stepping into the street that other, just-as-stupid people might be behind the wheel of a car.
Anyway, I need to find a carwash.

I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.

Move the bed into the kitchen, bro

I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”

Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.

Bro. His friends dared him to go touch your shoe

My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.

I do my part to bring people together by putting “Free BBQ” signs in random yards around town.

Fun Fact:

Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.

Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.

#JohnTravolta

I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.

[1st date]

Him: We share perfect chemistry!

Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher

*presses start and turns around*

Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this

I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.