Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
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LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”
That’s classic.
Vodka is essentially odorless. That wasn’t what tipped off co-workers.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“you added a trusted device” I trust all devices. If a device harms me I probably deserved it
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
I bet Wile E. Coyote went near suicidal when he discovered DoorDash after spending millions on delivery for ACME products.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
reviewed some movies recently
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out