One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
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Amazon: Your order has been ship—
Me: *Track Package*
My parents and in-laws are visiting for the weekend. Whose around for a consensual kidnapping of me until Monday?
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
christening a ship with an overripe banana
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”
“I told Stu that he’d had too much to drink,” said one of the four, asking not to be identified, “he had no business being behind the wheel.”
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
If you still haven’t found what you’re looking for, check between the sofa cushions.
if a bee sting u, u get a lil pain but the bee dies so who really wins? “lol im OWNING all these bees” i say as i put my face in the beehive
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[buys plastic lightsabers for the kids]
5-year-old daughter: Mine is broken.
Me: What’s wrong with it?
5: It doesn’t even cut off arms.
shop assistant: can i help you find something?
me: a meaningful connection in an improbable world filled with chaotic and ultimately meaningless coincidences
shop assistant:
me: or laundry detergent
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
Her: Do you like Disney?
Me (trying to flirt): I like both knees.
My boss asked if I had Facebook and I said sure and gave up the link. Then she asked about twitter. After an awkward silence I said, huh?
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
People say the greatest threat to humanity right now is climate change and that’s true, but if squirrels and pigeons ever team up against us it’s game over, you guys.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this