Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?

ME: I did. It was good.

JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.

ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.

“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.

If your so called friends come out of the woodwork when you’re successful I have news for you. Your friends are probably termites. Humans can’t do that. Congrats on the success tho.

Interviewer: How do you define success?

Me: Being able to buy bacon when it’s not on sale.

Therapist: and what do we do about people who hurt us
Me: we go to a cemetery and fill up a jar of cemetery dirt, add a piece of their hair and fingernail clippings, add a chicken bone then scream at it for a month?
Therapist: NO

As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order

A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.

Which one of you was it?

these articles are so helpful. the thing I’ve always found tricky about money is knowing how much I should have

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

shaggy sneaking off to the kitchen to make a big a** sandwich while the rest of mystery inc is investigating the haunted house

person walking by my house:

my dog: I’ve killed people for less

Got fired on my first day working at the drugstore for calling my new coworkers my pharmily.

Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat

Unexpected Judgment

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog

Venus Williams should marry Bruno Mars and become Venus Mars.

Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.

This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.

Pretty ironic if you ask me.

Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.

How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”

Sorry I said “nice phone” when you showed me a photo of your baby.

FRIEND:
If you could be there for one moment in time that you’ve only read about in books, or seen in pictures, what would it be? I would have liked to be at the signing of the Declaration of Independence. How about you?

ME:
Hold on, I’ll show you.

My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.

Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.

First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.

Note to Self:

‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’

TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better

If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president