Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
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My wife spent six weeks researching customer reviews of vacuum cleaners and one time I bought a new car because I had the same dog as the guy on the commercial.
Me: I think I’m just scared of change.
Therapist: *flips a quarter*
Me: *screams*
WIFE: Did you buy eggs?
ME: Even better. I bought a goat.
W: How is that better?
M: *stares confusedly for a full minute* How is it not?
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Me: *excited* I bought a bunch of Christmas carbs just like you said!
My boss: You mean Christmas cards?
Me with doughnut glaze all over my face: what
My boss: what
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
I just want to be on record as saying that 2020 is probably not the right year for this
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
my 10 year high school reunion is in August which means I have 2 months to lose 40 pounds and get engaged to Michael Cera
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
If you lean back in a chair and put your feet up on the desk, everything you say will be beaming with confidence and bravado especially if it’s not your office.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
Like most parents, I live in fear of the day I have to explain PRETTY WOMAN to my daughter.
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who