Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.
You Might Also Like
Social media is one of the best things to ever happen to stupidity.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎ ︎
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
me: why’d you pull me over?
cop: I think you know why
me: it’s my eyes isn’t it
cop: …
me: *sigh* they’re hazel
cop: so mysterious
Me: that was easy, what was my time? 3 minutes?
Escape room employee: ma’am we’re gonna need you to replace this door
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
I bought the wrong kind of compass. Now I’m lost in the middle of nowhere drawing perfect circles.
Van Gogh: “Dude, I saw this hella vase of sunflowers today.”
Gauguin: “Pics, or it didn’t happen.”
[van gogh pulls out oil paints & easel]
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of their music but i was not aware they were using it to lure sailors to a watery grave by dashing their ships against the rocky coast of their island
Nobody told me that when you get a husband the ears are sold separately.
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
how to market bottled water to dads
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat