Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“When in doubt, drag it out”

– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies

I bought 6 apples and without knowing, my gf bought 10 apples. She gave 3 away to our neighbor and honestly I didn’t think this sort of thing actually happened.

Camping tip: No.

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?

When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.

The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…

…again.

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.

You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago

Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October

I was making a coffee in the office kitchen, and now a woman I work with calls me “Coffee Man!”

I have 1 coffee a day.

Offices are hell.

Them: Have you tried dieting?

Me: Have you ever tried pizza?

When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.

Sometimes I break into hives. But only because I hate bees.

ME: How do I get on that goth hot air balloon?

FRIEND: That’s a solar eclipse

Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!

someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me

Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.

Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.

5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.

Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull

I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what

Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.

Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.

Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?

5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.

5:22am: Oh good.

My apartment is a mess, I should move

Tip of the day: Don’t try to scratch an itchy ankle while on a treadmill.