Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

life coach: be the best version of yourself

me: I am

life coach: hahaha wait are you serious

And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.

No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.

Spoiler alert: The fairytale ends with the prince at work, 3 whiney kids, and you are cinderella AND the wicked witch.

What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead

Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.

“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts

I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless

my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call

new career option?

I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.

My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.

Gonna end every insult with “but in a good way”

How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?

Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start

6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.

Not now. I’m deglazing.

{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}

me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT

“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs

Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

That’s what I call a flat tire

Blue Sky never giving us this kind of heat.

If I were in charge of Nike, I’d change the slogan to “Just Say You Did It. Nobody Ever Checks.”

manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim

Spend $200 on cat toys

Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW