Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
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Me: Do you like this dress or the last one?
Husband: What else do you have?
Me: *eyes narrow*
Husband: The one you’re wearing is great!
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?
Me: When a man and a woman…
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
Wife & son backing out in the car,
4yo: “So LONG, suckers!” [slams garage door]
4yo [opens door again]: “Not you Mommy!”
having children is a pyramid scheme.
Why would a straight guy hate gay guys?
Here’s a group of men who look better than you.. but don’t even want women.
You should be glad.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
Hobbies are so different in San Francisco. Everyone is like, “I went for a hike” or “We took a drive along the coast.” In New York it was like, “I looked outside for awhile and decided it wasn’t worth it.”
Called in, “I can either stay home today and learn to play this accordion or bring it in with me. Your call.”
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days