Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor

dad: when i die, donate my body to science

[later]

me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go

I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”

Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.

I love my husband. But, what really motivates me to stay married is how much weight I’d have to lose to date again.

ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.

ALLISON: I agr-

ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!

Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger

7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.

I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.

ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway

Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose

Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?

I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.

(doing standup routine)

Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!

Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!

Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!

9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?

Me: Let me think about it

9yo: *gives me a hug*

9yo: Did that help?

She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.

Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”

no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers

Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.

Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.

Lol.

Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids

Stormtrooper: They look like them

Obi: So all droids look the same to you?

Trooper: No, I-

Obi: Racist

*3am

Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.

Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!

Free will was a mistake.

I should have charged for it.

probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

Thinking about getting a nutritional value label tattooed on my inner thigh.