Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have a cut on my leg Doc

“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”

But its a tiny cut

“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*

my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going

Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs

Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.

Me, off my meds, pitching a cartoon movie: OK, so, you know how most toasters are cowards?

“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”

Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.

Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

Pumpkin spice season comes earlier every year and yet some still deny climate change.

shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

If you come to my house and see a coffee cup upside down on the floor, just be my hero and put the spider outside please.

Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter

I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.

“stop letting someone live in your head rent free”

other people: okay, you’re right. i will stop letting them live in my head.

me: I MUST FIND A WAY TO MAKE THEM PAY THE RENT

Vodka burrito was a success

“I’m 59 but have a biological age of 21” sorry if you are 59 your biological age is 59 because you are 59 years old

at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra

Her: come on over

Me: can’t. I’m sitting here pondering the meaning of the universe

Her: but I’m alone

Me: aren’t we all

Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.

yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government

When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”

Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.

Why do I always zone out when the server reads back my order? They could be saying “lobster dinners for everyone in the restaurant” and I’d say yeah.

Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.

“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”

Now Genghis, what do I always say?

*Sighs*

“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”

Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”

(it starts to rain)

worms: the revolution has begun.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation