Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
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My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
sigh
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
🙁
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
🤣
Her: What do you want to listen to?
Me: You name it…I’m pretty eclectic.
Her: Great…I have Amazon music.
Me: Actually I’m not really into the indigenous stuff.
Her:
Don’t you hate when people add “qualifiers” to compliments like, “you look good for having had kids or “you look good for being 50 yrs old” or my all time favorite “you look good for having been hit by a bus after being struck by lightning when that fuselage fell on your head.”
Mom called. She was worried. Thought maybe I moved because I haven’t answered her email and she wouldn’t know the new address to send it to.
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
RT if you know someone like this!!!
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
I keep a baseball bat under my bed in case someone tries to break in and pitch a no hitter