Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“SO WE’RE NOT KNOCKING ANYMORE??!!”

Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.

I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them

Boss: Staff meeting at 3:00.

Me: I can’t come, I’m allergic.

Boss: But we’re not serving food.

Me: … yeah now I really can’t come.

‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic

*Snowstorm on it’s way*

America – we need to stock up on bread and milk!

Canadians – better hit the beer store.

Doctor: You have a disease

Me: Oh no!

Doctor: You can cure it with diet and exercise

Me: Oh no!

TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.

My wife and I announce when we’re going to the bathroom, but it’s more a way of saying, “I’m not watching the kids, so if they die in the next 4 minutes it’s all your fault.”

Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over

Every zoo is a petting zoo if you can run fast enough.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.

I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to run

This concludes your parenting course.

I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.

Imagine if food was sports

No time to talk I have bacon tryouts today.

When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”

Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*

Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight

*as soon as I relax*

-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.

can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”

football players have to wear helmets so they aren’t tempted to kiss the other players between plays

husband [joking]: i know someone going to a military school

15 [not joking]: i know someone going to a nursing home

Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.

*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up

“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”

*eats 12 pancakes

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.