Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
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Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
me: are you guys going to publish my book on negotiating
publisher: no
me: ok
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
My favorite thing about all the people waiting in line for the new iPhones is for those hours the rest of the world is a better place.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
If anyone is missing a cup it’s probably in my daughter’s room
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Harsh but fair
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