Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Nightclub]

Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES

MOM: I hope you brought an appetite!
ME: I have spent a year studying a snake’s ability to unhinge its jaw to swallow food larger than its own head
GRANDMA: so, still single

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?

Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper

I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.

HER: DM me later, okay?

ME: Okay.

*later*

ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.

*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

“I’m going to make a great mother one day” I whisper to myself as I catch my burrito mid-fall and only a single bean spills out

How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?

*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*

Any wedding can be a fairy tale wedding if you serve porridge and release three angry bears into the reception hall

I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.

My @FedEx package was never actually delivered to my house and you’ll never believe who signed for it

4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?

Me: You were born 3 years later.

4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.

8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.

“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung

COP: I’m arresting you

ME: oh no

COP: You must make one phone call

ME: OH NO

One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind

Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages

I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.

One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.

Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:

My 7yo decided to make his video game character “look like daddy” by making him a grumpy necktie-wearing gorilla covered with gray hair, and I’d be mad but honestly the resemblance is uncanny

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.

Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?

Caught my sex robot in bed with my Roomba.