Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.

BREAKING NEWS

Literally to be eliminated from the English language in 2015

Use it while you can, white girls

Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.

Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.

What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?

Wishful thinking. Obviously

At a concert if the band asks “How’s everyone feeling tonight” I’m like maybe we shouldn’t have built our country on an Indian burial ground

When did we get a dog?

-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target

I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.

I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”

*Do not consume if seal is broken*

I’ve just gone through this whole box of animal crackers and haven’t found one seal.

My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”

Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap

Me: sure

Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold

Me: I’m not an idiot

[10 minutes later]

COPS: We know you killed him

ME: I didn’t do it!

COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*

ME: wait no

MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS

I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.

My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.

-I win

A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?

Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.

This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.

anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot

Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.

The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.

[On the couch watching TV]

Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?

A couple years ago, I met with a founder who asked me what my thoughts were about starting a company in the credit card space. I told him it was a terrible idea.

Today, his company is growing like crazy and makes millions of dollars every year.

Lesson: Do not ask me for advice

Cop: Hey U!

U: who, me?

Cop: no the other 1!

1: who, me?

Cop: both of U!

W: who, us?

Cop: Yes you!

U: Who, me?

Cop: No!

No: yes?

Wife: You’ll never guess what I got you for your birthday.
Me: A 3-way with your sister?
Wife: *storms out
Me: omg did I ruin the surprise?

HER: I work for the Red Cross.

ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.

“You’re a nice guy”

One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ

Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.

[Watching Star Trek with my date]

ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.

My wife just opened my car door for me.

Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.

your emcee name is DJ + the last thing you spent money on, DJ Kitty Litter IN THA HOUUUUSE