Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Lady Doritos was my favorite character in Macbeth
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
Probably just poor graphic design…
Still not gonna drink from it.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
you learn something new every day oh god make it stop
*tries to lose weight by talking about it*
Darth Vader wanted to kill Solo but didn’t have the necessary Han die coordination.
#StarWarsDay
Can’t wait for the first bad thing to happen in 2017 so I can post “what is this, 2016?” Ha! Today an on duty seeing eye dog growled at me.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
It’s only a restroom if you fall asleep in the stall.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
I’d rather fork than spoon.
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
Anyone else just agree with people sometimes so they’ll stop talking?
Wait… Why is everyone nodding their heads?
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SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
