Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
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[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
pretty drunk right now and wow there is a lot of gravity on this planet
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Got kicked out of the gang for taking instant photos of the homies and calling them brolaroids
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Seismologists are loyal to a fault
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
My grandfathers were WWII heroes and I get anxiety if I don’t know the intricacies and protocols of the entire dining establishment I’m picking up take out from at least 24 hours in advance. I’m mapping it out on a chalkboard like a lil nervous Eisenhower.
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
[family get together]
mom: has anyone seen grandmas dentures?
me with 64 teeth: ramma losht hur wat now?
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.