Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
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“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[typing]
Me: Is it DISCREET or DISCRETE?
Wife: 2nd.
Me: Is “polyamorous” hyphenated?
Wife: No. Why?
Me: It’s for work. When’s your flight?
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
I’ve never done a tweet call. But today is my 33rd birthday and I hit 600 followers yesterday after being on this website for 9 years. But I actually enjoy Twitter these days and would love nothing more for my birthday than your funniest tweets. No theme. Just funny. Cheers!
ME: Okay, sure, I’m turning 50. But I’m young at heart!
HEART: Actually, I’ve got quite a bit of cholesterol building up here, buddy.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
Me: This is a weird looking but comfortable toilet!
Masseuse: Sir that’s the hole to put your face in, I – OH DEAR GOD!!
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room[whispers] “you said debriefing”
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.