Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
You Might Also Like
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags
I just want to walk in to a random workplace, put fish in the microwave for 10 minutes on high. Then just sit back and watch the fireworks.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
The older I get, the more I understand why Squidward is always so annoyed.
when i don’t respond right away: i’m busy, they’ll understand
when someone takes more than three minutes to respond to me: wow ok judas
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Hear me out, a leaf blower, but for people.
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
*licks ice cream cone
Cone: I have a boyfriend.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
gpt-6 will have the intelligence of someone who decided not to get a PhD
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
Accurate
My wife is such a bad cook,if we leave dental floss in the kitchen the roaches hang themselves.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.