Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.
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What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Twitter: What do our users want?
Users: An edit button and relief from spam/abuse.
Twitter: Novella-length Tweets it is!
BOWSER: Yo man, remember that time I kidnapped your girlfriend and sent like 2000 of my goons to try and kill you? Then you broke into my house and dumped me in the lava?
MARIO: Yeah.
BOWSER: Haha OK cool, you want to ride go karts later?
MARIO: I sure do!
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
I am a mother, of course I talk to myself. I am the only one in this house that listens.
8: I forgot my name
Me: Oh no!
8: no I –
Me: is it amnesia, do you have amnesia?
8: no I just –
Me: this is terrible!
8: I JUST FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME ON THE PAPER
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Texts “Are you okay?” Blink 3 times. No need to reply.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
You’re eating Cheetos on the couch and playing a video game. Your “battle cry” isn’t striking fear into the heart of anyone but the dog.
[mom and pop shop]
Me: *sniffling* one mom please
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
me: *hiding from kidnapper*
kidnapper: *sneezes*
me: BLESS YOU!
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation