Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
*cocks gun*
Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
E-Harmony Rep: And here’s your starter cat-
Me: What?
Rep: Here’s your starter pack.
Me: You said cat.
Rep:
Me:
Rep:
Me:
Rep: *folder meows*
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
Interviewer: How would you say the Queen’s response…
Prince William: Definitely not racistly!
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
ok i’m just gonna say it… it seems petty that money comes out of my account every *single* time i buy something. give me a break
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
