Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

Haunted house ideas:

-“we need to talk” room
-“you’re being audited” room
-“my period is late” room
-“two days before payday” room

Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?

My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.

Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911

me: I think some people are birds in disguise

friend: lol can I tweet that

me: *narrows eyes* can you what

[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian

WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake

ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please

Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm

*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.

-Come on, it’s time to go

-No

-We are going to be late

-I hate school

-But Mum, you have to take me!

[beach]
[a foot washes up]
[next, a boot]
[I combine them]
[more parts arrive]
[I keep building]
[I stand back]
ME: Oh no..you?!
HITLER: Yep

ME: I’m anti-murder

MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded

*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*

friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?

me: whichever one makes this conversation end

Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.

I found myself sitting beside the doctor who delivered me 42 years ago so I asked “do you remember me?” and he looked at me all serious and replied “it’s hard to tell when you’re wearing clothes”

Me: We should get a bigger car.

Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?

Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.

Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece

Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.

I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.

Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.

ME [introducing my family]: this is my brother paul, he’s a geologist. this is my cousin sue, she’s a cosmetologist. and this is my *eyes narrow* uncle louis, he’s a racist

LOUIS: uh, race car driver

ME: that too

Him: Sarah is dead.

Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…

A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean

Be the change you want to see in the world!

Me: *goes back to bed

“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.