Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
Fun fact: the person who said “If you love something let it go” died alone, surrounded by 342 cats.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
batter: *hits homer*
Simpson: ow
A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.
That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
me: wats ur favorite cheese
date: camembert
me: o thats ok let me kno when u remember
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
I’m so much like a noodle when I shower. sit in hot water for 7-8 minutes and become soft, squishy, and delicious afterwards
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.