Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
ACME gave a credit card to Wile E. Coyote with no credit history, just so he could capture a bird. This is why banks need to be regulated.
Ok Canada, poutine is great, but you should try putting mashed potatoes and gravy on the fries. I’d try it here but we don’t have universal healthcare.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
Everything is awful so I’ve started adding vodka to my protein smoothies and ya know what? Everything is still awful
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
her: does an apple a day really keep the doctor away
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a horse at the ER Karen
I did 1 workout. Am I fit now plz
There is far less use of the pogo stick as a mode of transportation than I imagined when I was 10.
Free will was a bad idea.
I should have charged for it.
I met a guy who wanted to work on some songs with me. I went to his house and he asked me if I wanted some whiskey. I said sure and he handed me a whole bottle and grabbed a bottle for himself. We never got to those songs but we did get arrested.
I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*
well well well, if it isn’t the thing i said i’d do before the holidays that i’m now putting off until after the holidays
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Cops: COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS WHERE WE CAN SEE THEM
Invisible Hands Adam: shit
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
If I wanted unnecessary pockets on my clothing I’d buy clothes made in the 1980s.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Me: Don’t wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn’t have to be explained, yet here we are.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
captain: any leads in the diarrhea case
detective: nothing solid
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Ah yes. The three genders
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.