Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
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The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!
David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.
This waitress thinks I just left a really good tip, but actually I’m just really bad at math.
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
I thought I needed to get a divorce and start a new life in a foreign country and then I realized I was just hungry.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
I’m behind 38 episodes of Game of Thrones. I’ll just jump in the new season and piece it all together. Should be fine.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Not to brag but I’ve never met a chicken wing I didn’t like.
This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special