Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
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Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
BLIND DATE: My last boyfriend thought he was such hot stuff. But he was really just a big fish in a small pond.
ME, a giant worm in a hat and trench-coat: Ha, what a loser! But seriously like how big specifically though?
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Just wrote “except for you, spiders >:(” on my Welcome mat so that should be the end of that
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
shark: *smirking* no hablo ingl茅s
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.
me: the earth isn鈥檛 flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it鈥檚 the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn鈥檛 you?
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
Bruh 馃槶馃槶馃槶馃槶
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
I hope when I inevitably choke to death on gummy bears people just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that.
me: technically, they鈥檙e magma lamps until you crack them open and pour the lamp sauce out, then it becomes lava
doctor: no I meant thoughts about your treatment plan
Me: give me all the brisket you have
Food truck attendant: jesus I鈥檓 driving 80, how are you still holding on
why everytime i get in the shower i hear someone raiding my house
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
6 year old: if you were an adult just like now, so you were you, but you were a little kid in my kindergarten class would you know all of the stuff you know now or would you just be learning everything like we are?
me: did you eat any of the gummies in my toolbench?