Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
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I do this really cute thing where I yawn right before my girlfriend kisses me so I almost swallow her face
[taking my final breaths after a freak accident]
Tell my family I totes love them
*gasping for air*
but like, roll your eyes real hard
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
When I get depressed about an underperforming tweet, I think about starving kids in Africa & how lucky they are to never experience my pain.
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
You can buy a family sized shawarma platter it’s okay they don’t even check
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
I love texting my boyfriend
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Why are bridges so flammable.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.