Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
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Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
“Twister 3” should be told from a cow’s POV.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
i may live alone but I keep the toilet seat DOWN in case a woman burglar needs to use it
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
he had the eyes of a man who just dropped his ice cream
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
This place has ruined me, I watched my mate trip and comically fall to the ground and my first reactions were: giggle and yell “parkour”.
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Maths meets science
I’m exceptionally skilled at accomplishing absolutely nothing while screwing something up, therefore accomplishing less than zilch.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I don’t even know why I exist.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
It’s been a rough few years, but it looks like things are finally getting worse
[walks into aquarium]
me: hi can I just use your bathroom?
employee: sorry it’s for patrons only
me: ok fine I’ll take four sharks
This bank app is great for checking account activity!
Also comes in handy when you just need a reason to cry.
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets