Today I walked out of the baseball complex carrying two Gatorades, a half-eaten snack, a 40oz Stanley and a 4yo, and the 4yo had the audacity to tell me to walk faster.
You Might Also Like
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
me: ah the house is so clean now
sun rays shining through the window: you sure about that?
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to speak to the manager.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
It’s getting disrespectful how long it takes for me to scroll to my birth year
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
Very, very few humans have walked on the lunar surface. You might say that they’re in the moonority.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
Jesus was white and spoke English and enjoyed baseball and apple pie and was a churchgoing Christian.
[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
[Name origins]
Mr. Miller: I grind wheat into flour.
Mrs. Smith: I hammer iron on an anvil.
Mr. Duckworth: THAT MALLARD SHOULD COST $6.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
I hate it when people try to use big words when they clearly don’t know their meaning. It makes them sound so gelatinous and isosceles.
We can agree that making someone swear in for a job is stupid right? Like, “okay, you’re hired! But first you gotta pinky promise in front of EVERYONE that you’re not gonna suck at this”
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.