Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”

gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket

Fancy restaurants are self-esteem destroyers because good luck not leaving an embarrassing stain on the white table cloth. Ever.

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

Day three of MAN COLD. I feel death lurking. Its waiting for me to give up.
Stay strong! Think of the cat. He’ll eat you if you die.

Me: They are tiny mints that live in a little plastic coffin
Boss: I said let’s talk tactics

The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.

throwin a party tonight

goths $5
furries $5

raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both

*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter

My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.

Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.

Camping in the mountains is fun. You just have to have a good sleeping bag, a tent that will hold the contents of a small kitchen, good hiking boots, and potable food/water. Oh, and be faster than whoever you’re hiking with in the event of a bear sighting.

One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”

Mission control: what’s happening up there??

Dutch astronaut: Houston, we hebben een serieus probleem

Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?

Hey.. with the intention of eating half your pizza.

Im not saying the ‘70s were perfect, but somewhere along the line we lost focus and forgot that all chase scenes demand banjo music

Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good

Did you know that if you listen to any Black Sabbath album backwards, you can hear them singing backwards?

[God creating bees]

GOD: make some of them fuzzy

ANGEL: thats good

G: make them sting

A: okay

G: and let’s give them teeth!

A: too far

“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”

~Bowling pins

This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.

If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..

tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead

How far is it from the Earth to the sun?

10 CVS receipts.

People think I’m a hugger, but I’m actually shaking them down for snacks.

A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.

People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.

white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.

me: that doesn’t make any-

woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.