Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
You Might Also Like
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
The dog almost ate the bird tonight.
It was like a Dateline episode.“He kept to himself, but on the evening of June 6, he snapped.”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
NORTH CAROLINA:We believe in family values.
ME:Like Disney movies?
NC:Exactly.
ME:Like Mulan, where a cross dresser saves China?
NC:…
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
“I FIXED IT!”
Who called it a scale and not a weigh of life?
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
discovered i giggle in my sleep after downloading a sleep app and assume i will soon become a serial killer
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Her: Where ya been?
Me: At the cemetery.
Her: Someone dead?
Me: Yeah. All of them.
[first day as a celebrity chef]
*Just a heartrending 40 minute montage of me struggling to get the potato masher out of the cutlery drawer*
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Of all the martial arts, karaoke inflicts the most pain.
GIRL: Spirit, should I have sex with this guy?
ME: *tries to push the ouija pointer to yes but it won’t move* (under breath) grandma, PLEASE
My O face is the same face I make when I eat really sour pickles
Which is why the lights stay off!
One day I hope to be doing so well that people accuse me of being a clone
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
Things I’ve learned in life
1. Never tickle a stranger at a bar or at the urinal.2….
That’s it. Just don’t tickle people you don’t know