Today, I want to talk about underperforming continents. Antarctica, explain yourself.
You Might Also Like
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
Nights in white satin, but it’s me falling off the bed again
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
The return of Boeing’s Starliner spacecraft has reportedly been delayed 8 days due to difficulties. Whose idea was it to let the company that can’t even get it right in their own atmosphere try their hand at another one?
Breaking news:
I stopped carrying my phone in my shirt pocket, because every time it vibrated my first thought was: Heart attack!
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Husband: *bleeding* CALL 911!
Me: I would, but *shows both hands caught in Pringles cans*
Husband: WELL, RUN FOR HELP!
Me: *shows both feet caught in Pringles cans*
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
we all know this pain all too well
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later