Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.

Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.

I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.

She was really dark.

October already? What’s next? November????

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls

*child becomes teenager*

Me: is it too late to rethink having children

I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.

*Runs Amazon van off the road

I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.

[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.

Me: Orders takeout.

Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.

I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.

Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.

Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.

interviewer: please, sit down

me: thank you

interviewer: not on my lap

Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat

If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.

When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.

This classic never gets old . . .

If there’s a denim jacket on my doorknob it means I’m having sex with a werewolf.

me: hello darkness my old friend

darkness: friend is a strong word

I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?

*plugs in Xmas lights*

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.