Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.

@ candidates for local office

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

Whenever I tweet about my 3yo being challenging there’s ALWAYS someone who is like “my 3yo was not challenging at all, they were sweet and smart and perfect and it’s because I took them outside.” And I’m always like ohhhh sorry I keep mine in a box in the basement, can’t relate

ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*

MY DOG: *ears prick up*

Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.

Wife: We hid 60 chocolate eggs right?

Me: Yes. I already “found” 5 though.

Unimpressed

A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.

If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.

If the Universe is continuing to expand then why does my rent keep going up?

DATE: gonna grab my jacket and brb. you look great by the way

ME (whispering to my suit made of chameleons): hell yeah keep it up you guys

Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human

Captcha:

“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?

Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”

-Teenagers

Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience

My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.

Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?

Me: Your head.

My son 🙋🏽‍♂️was SO cute today, he asked me “dad are clouds candy?” 😍 I told him they were water. 💦 Then he asked “dad, what’s Earth’s defense system?” and then I remembered I don’t have a son and he asked again his eyes now obsidian black “what is the defense system father”

Trust is knowing you never have to look through their phone.

ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.

FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?

ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

I couldn’t be a hero in The Matrix cause agent Smith would be like “humans are a virus” and I’d be like that’s a fair point

I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.

I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.