Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: a beloved member of my family died

college professor: show me the body or take the quiz

SEVEN DEADLY SINS

Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting

*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*

My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks

buyer: does this van have child locks

me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Can I donate fat instead of blood?

Sorry about the semi trailer out front. Croutons were on sale at Costco

The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.

we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot

I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.

“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

If you can’t handle me at my worst you’re really missing out on some interesting things to tell your therapist

best thing about being english is nobody asks you to cook

addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother

Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?

Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?

My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”

I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.

Angry church people on Good Friday are Fast and Furious

[job interview]

Did you really think bringing a puppy with you to the interview would help you get the job?

“Yes”

WELL YOU’RE RIGHT.

“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.

According to this grocery list I’ve written on my hand, I’ve invented a new language.

if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing

I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.

date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”

[showing new guy around office]

Me: Watch out for that guy, he has a short fuse, haha.

New guy: He said the same about you, haha.

Me: *throws coffee mug at wall* HE NEEDS TO SHUT HIS STUPID MOUTH!

Walks up in da club like

“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”