Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.

“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”

-Revolving Doors

“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”

-the new GPS app from Allrecipes

And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”

[aliens talking]

“They call it a sel-fee”
A photograph of oneself?
“Sometimes several”
But why?
“We have one theory”
Go on
“They’re idiots”

Good lord

kinda fun if literal: earwigs

My partner is the most pure of heart person alive lol

I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?

U-HAUL, may I help you?

“You have any moving boxes?”

No all our boxes stay still

“Well you better go- wait what?”

Stop calling here, Dad

LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone

SERVER: you’re a DOG

Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.

5yo: Why is he crying?
Me: That’s a teardrop tattoo.
5: Oh. Did he shank someone in prison?
M: What?
5: Remind him I want extra guacamole.

Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*

My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.

Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, “My twitter girls would do that”

I asked a millennial why she spent so much money on her wedding. She said you only get married once, then I laughed and laughed.

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse

-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-

😂

Me- thinks maybe I’ll take 8 to her first Pearl Jam show

8- thinks the audience is clapping too loud during The Nutcracker

great news: all my boxes arrived
terrible news: all my boxes arrived

Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.

If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.

*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”

for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.

Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?

CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.

TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.

I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.