Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
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Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
here is what. i plan to accomplish today:
2. bark loudly. but at nothing
7. lose my ball under the couch
7b. politely ask the human. to get my ball
3. immediately lose it again. under the same couch
4. big nap. you have worked hard
2. repeat
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease
The other 10% don’t use Web MD
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”
And that was the last time she was invited over.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
ME: I’ve fallen for you.
JIU JITSU INSTRUCTOR: you’re terrible at this.
Husband: Honey, is it called an octopus because it has eight pu-
Wife: No
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.
*beats dead horse*
*kills two birds with 1 stone*
*lets cat out of bag*
*takes bull by horns*
*breaks camels back*
*gets kicked out of zoo*
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
My son just showed me something he made and asked “Do you like it, or do you love it?” and those are the only options I’m giving people from now on
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.