Today I was seated next to lovely, glowing, first-time pregnant woman, who looked me in the face and told me her child will be a mellow introvert. I let her have the moment.
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When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
My son has a shirt that says, “my dad can beat up your dad,” and honestly I don’t like the pressure
1st child: Never let them out of sight. Water must be purified 34 times.
3rd child: The dog babysits and they drink toilet water together.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
My phone went from fully charged to 10% while I was sleeping, so I guess it leads a more exciting nightlife than I do.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
When someone ask me… How are you?… I answer back… You mean in bed?
Billion dollar technology idea:
A printer that works
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”