today I was vaping and a man said “is that good for the baby” so I guess I’m throwing this high waisted dress in the garbage
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Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Not even the staff thought I’d be getting out of the hospital this early – I snuck a peek at my chart and the nurse had written “unusual discharge”
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
DOMINO’S PIZZA TRACKER UPDATES:
– At 5:30pm, Ronny left our store with your pizza and $350 in stolen cash
– At 5:42pm, Ronny was last seen heading eastbound of HWY 94, high AF on meth
– At 6:02pm, Ronny got naked and ate your pizza while exchanging gunfire with police. Sorry
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
S/o to @funTweeters .
Waiter – I’m Matt & I’ll be taking care of you
Me – You say that now Matt but what about when times get tough
Wife – Give us a few minutes
I seem pretty put together for a grown woman who imagines she’s traveling through a wormhole each time she pulls a turtleneck over her head.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Let me get this straight: Rumpelstiltskin gives you a ton of gold, saves your life, AND takes your first born off your hands and he’s a bad guy?
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Shhh, turn out the lights and hide. My feelings are knocking on the door.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
Optometrist: You have 2020 vision.
Me: But my vision sucks.
Optometrist: Exactly.
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Me: I’m having a heart attack
My brother: I’ll get the defibrillator
Me (grabbing his arm): no, get it now
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.