My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
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It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
centipede: *gets down on one knee*
girlfriend: omg
centipede: *puts down second knee*
girlfriend: uhm…okay
centipede: *puts down third knee*
girlfriend: please stop
her: so we could have sex
me: 🙁
her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with
me: 🙂
her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
How many birds do you think you could have on you before you’d panic
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
My mom didn’t respond to the family gardening group thread when I announced my monarch caterpillars so I called the landline, and it was so worth it. She used to have an “I brake for butterflies” bumper sticker. Definitely more excited than when I told her I was getting married
DTF (Down time finally)
-mom’s everywhere
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i’m so optimistic
HER: yes
ME: cool see u tonight
parents: a large old man with white hair is going to break into the house while you’re sleeping and give you toys
kids: oh worddddd
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
If you have 6+ numbers after your name as part of your Twitter handle I can only assume you’re an inmate & tweeting from prison.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no