Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay

*my wife opens my sock drawer & sees that it’s filled with bite sized candy bars. she looks over at me*
did you go trick or treating again last night?

The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.

*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*

Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy

Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.

“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”

You’re not with Greenpeace, Kyle, you’re doing Community Service.

interviewer: why do you want this job?

me: i’m a job guy. love jobs

I have a “baby on board” sticker on my car. No baby right now, I just want people to know I’m a sore loser

Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt

What did one ocean say to the other?

Nothing, it just waved.

Sea what I did there?

I’m shore you did.

Laugh, you son of a beach!

Writing “Omg you guys are still friends after what she said about you???” on every group photo of girls I see on Instagram

Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV

[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass

[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer

My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”

Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.

Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship

the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame

absolutely disgusting that we as a society are still okay with people making hats out of cowboys

Him: *seeing my apartment for the first time* I see you’re kind of a minimalist

Me: yes that is correct, I am very poor

[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real

[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…

[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem

2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside

ME: oh no

2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside

ME: OH NO

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”

And then?

“Cheese.”

Mmmm and then?

“You close the door from outside.”

*job interview*
“So this yearbook isn’t your resume?”
“No. I’m not a moron. Those are my references. I highlighted all the NEVER CHANGE’s.”

A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.

The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.

Do cannibals just upload a bunch of pictures of their friends on Instagram?

A new cook asked the head chef what beer to use for boiling the brats and was told “the worst beer we have.”

But, why sir?

Chef: yes

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.