Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
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I yell “5 second rule”when ever a girl sits on the ground.
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Usain Bolt has the greatest Tinder profile picture of all time on his hands.
*brings change of clothes in case they serve ribs*
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
I sign off with “kind regards” but secretly all my regarding is malicious
It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime
Me: wanna go cow tipping?
Other person: that sounds fun
*LATER*
Me: *handing cow five dollars* thanks for the milk, Daisy
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Dearly beloved, we are gathered her today to place bets on how long this marriage will last because these idiots met 2 months ago.
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Want to feel old?
This is what Kevin McCallister looks like now.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.