Today I went to the bank and asked if they had an atm. The guy said they had a drive thru. I said oh I walked here. He said that’s fine. I had to wait in line behind a car like this 🧍🏻♀️
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
Not today
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
Of course size matters. No one likes a small pizza.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’m dead 😂😂😂😂😂
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Let’s hear it for the staff in this branch of Maplin, still able to crack funnies ahead of their store’s impending closure …
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
i’ve never seen a McDonald’s or a Burger King under construction. they just show up.
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
If you ever see me with one of those stick figure family bumper stickers it means I’m dead and someone is wearing my skin
It’s a painting of dogs playing poker because cats would’ve just knocked all the cards off the table.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
Just ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.
Will keep you posted.
Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
When I see someone at a carwash late at night, I assume they’ve just committed murder.