Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nice try, poison.

everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have

If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.

Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?

Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: I’m confused

Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS

Me: *crying* someone help me

[Speed date]

Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT

Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.

[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]

Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.

My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.

The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…

…unless it’s 3am…

…and it’s coming from your roof.

What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.

Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.

I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.

I’m killing this last will and testament.

Ppl who are on Twitter and put intelligent in their bio, good one.

The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:

Sup

Hello dear

Thanks for the follow!

Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?

You can tell I come from a long line of hunters the way I cunningly stalk the rare Totino’s Frozen Pizza.

older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah

You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.

[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean

[elementary school]
BULLY: gimme your lunch money
ME: no
B: *grabs me by shirt* I said give it
M: ok but this has to stop I’m your teacher

“Are… are you sure you know what an elephant looks like?“
“Of course, why do you ask?“

The Roomba keeps going right past a piece of garbage without picking it up. It’s one of the family now.

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”

Idea: Like Google Glass, but a necklace or something that projects a website onto the face of the person talking to you.

Satan: welcome to your own hell where…

me: is it hot in here or is it just me 😉

Satan:…everyones a comedian.

me: haha i just like to keep it light.

Satan: no, [gesturing around] EVERYones a comedian.

me: oh god

I’m sorry that you invited me over to your apartment for dinner and I created a negative Yelp review about the experience