Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?

me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.

I find as I get older it’s the little things that bring me joy. Like embarrassing my children.

Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi

When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.

If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid

Anyway, thought of you

Ahhh December 1st. Time to start using Santa as a threat.

The Shining is on…

…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.

In movies a reckoning is always a trial by combat, whereas in my life a reckoning is far more likely to be an out of order men’s room, or a girl scout troop that I owe cookie money

Damn CVS sales receipts got caught in the wind

“But it’s my only vice” I say to myself as I do my 13th unhealthy thing for the day

her: have i been a bad girl?

me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.

I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.

Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”

Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.

if you shouldn’t go food shopping when you’re hungry then you should definitely not go clothes shopping when you’re naked. trust me on this.

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

“Come as you are. As you were. As I want you to be.” ~ Kurt Cobain, confusing party coordinator

Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.

Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.

Me (a masseur): *applying oil*

Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?

Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.

I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese

He’s 52, from now on let’s just call him John Depp.

Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.

I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.

maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun