Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.

If I was a girl named Isis, I’d be pissed that half the people decided to change my name to Isil.

When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”

I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date

I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.

[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]

Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.

Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek

Ever read stuff here on social media and then think to yourself, “Why is NASA diverting asteroids? Just let them come.”

seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else

My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.

Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.

Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.

Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.

I finally got around to washing my hair and then of course, I ended up putting way too much hair product on and it looks just as greasy as before. I’m like, really, Charlotte, you had ONE job, girl!

Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.

2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

You look like somebody ran an uncooked pizza through a washing machine

Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two

Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!

Me: Okay, Okay!

*steps on lego*

*stubs toe on fallen over chair*

*falls over laundry basket*

*slip-and-slides across spilt water*

*arrives at 10yo*

10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape

There is a football player named Drew Sample?

He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.

Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly.  Should have taught them to do the same with people.

driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me