Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I might start telling people I’m 10 years older than I actually am just so they can tell me how great I look for my age.

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

My idea of a 5 course meal is pizza with 4 toppings

It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.

hey guys. um so say i hypothetically worked at a big tech company and hypothetically spilled some diet ginger ale on the big um servers in the back room and now a lot of stuff is going wrong. what should i hypothetically do

Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks

Vodka is the quickest way to teleport. You just have to be prepared to wake up naked to an unknown location with another teleporter.

*fashions codpiece out of grilled cheese sandwich*

Wife: it’s still NO!

Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.

him: how long for a table

me: they’re about 5 ft across

him: no the wait

me: about 78 lbs

I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.

Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.

Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful

Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.

Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”

This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.

Frozen II begins with what every child wants to see: 7 minutes of complicated mythological exposition

Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.

Wife: We need a new fridge.

Me: This is a terrible day.

Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.

Me: This is the best day of my life.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

If you can build and occupy a house on the moon for 6 months, you own that part of the moon. The moon police can’t stop you.

This is the tale of Callie who started a service to provide fortune telling and hypnotism while driving people around. As time went on her clairvoyance weakened but her suggestive power grew.

She’s…..

Uber Callie fragile mystic expert at hypnosis

people will say “oh i love the vaccine” and then only get it once or twice

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦

😂👽

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

[buying an engagement ring]

clerk: that will be $10,000

me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh

No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.