Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
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ME: I really think I could win Survivor!
ME AFTER EXPERIENCING A SLIGHT BREEZE SANS JACKET: I will never go outside again.
Me: I have reservations
Restaurant Host: Makes sense, we have a C rating
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
getting fitted for a wedding suit and i know they’re going to ask me what i want and already i know i’m going to just go blank and say like “pants….. and jacket”
Pronounce ‘bourgeoisie’ as if you were choking on a corndog.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
The Exorcist was probably the worst workout video ever.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Kid: Trick or treat?
Me: How old are you?
Kid:
His dad: 4 years old
Me *goes back inside to talk to wife in scared tone* there’s a 4 year old out there who’s 6 feet tall
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Long story short, hitler beat me up and has my time machine.
who did the taste test?
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
I just stared when my neighbor asked if the heavy bag (filled with cat litter) I was carrying out to the trash bin contained body parts.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
Old friend: I barely recognize you.
“That’s the look I was going for. “
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
Petition to change the name of rice cakes to something else as they are 100% rice and 0% cake and I’m tired of all the gaslighting