Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
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Gods work.
People must think I’m a comforting presence because I often hear “Security!” wherever I go.
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
Every time I get an eyelash in my eye, I’m reminded of how quickly I would die in the wild.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
girls please stop wearing Harley Davidson shirts if you don’t listen to his music
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
Don’t ask me if I’m participating in no nut November, call me when it’s time for Donut December
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
American government is of the people, by the people and for the people. Which begs the question: what is wrong with you people?
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.