Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
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Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
10 years ago parents were like “be careful what you put on the web” and we were all “lol. old people.” now none of us can ever be President.
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.
I was washing my car and my neighbor said when I’m done I can wash his car too and we laughed and laughed and then I water boarded him
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Opening up a chiropractor office and calling it “Back to Normal”
daughter: oh sure, blame all your troubles on me! that’s the only reason you had me!
me: you know that’s not true, Patsy
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
They really need to stop hyping up these storms because I bought a lot of doritos and the power didn’t even go out.
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
21 year old me: i’ll have my shit together when im 31
31 year old me: lmao nope
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Anyone wanna buy 7 gently used pies?
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
it’s amazing how alcohol feels great and also has zero negative longterm side effects
I feel like having your carriage robbed at swordpoint by a dashing rogue who takes your ring (but you know he’s intrigued by you and will return it later in some intimate way, so you don’t protest TOO much) is a vastly superior method of meeting men as opposed to online dating.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
Not to expose myself for being dumb—but the vet told me my dog had a spot that might be a melanoma and the first words out of my mouth were “oh that does run in our family.” Like, I really forgot for a sec that I did not give birth to her.
the word “crocheting” pisses me off. like check out this new word guys, it’s called crowshaying but we’re gonna spell it like screaming with your head in a metal bucket.
me watching my own Instagram story