Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice
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“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Doctor: Can you stick to a clear liquid diet for a few days?
Me: Sure! Vodka is a clear liquid.
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Krampus.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
[in the insect dissection room]
Your fly is open.
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.
Why do I have to work today? I worked yesterday! What more could you possibly want from me.
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
[War of 1812]
American: Let’s invade the British North.
Other American: Upper or Lower Canada?
A: idgaf
LATER:
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Neighbor: OMG your yard looks amazing
Me: thanks, I pee in it every Saturday night