Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
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Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
Me: I can’t make it in today.
Boss: How sick are you?
M: I cut my sandwiches in rectangles instead of triangles.
B: Jesus, you ARE sick.
OJ Simpson now has a Twitter Account. I’m sure he’ll kill it here
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.
I tried to explain Pokémon to my 4-year-old.
After hearing myself say it out loud, I’m pretty sure I ruined both of our childhoods.
For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
me: lmao i saw it on twitter
them: what’s your twitter
me: i don’t have twitter
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
Sit in Starbucks and scream into your phone, “What we need is fresh screenwriting talent! An unknown! Where on earth can we find it?”
Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
Reverse cowgirl, so I can eat my ice cream without sharing.
Does grape jelly go bad or do I just have wine jelly now?
There has never been a better time to go out in the middle of the night and spreadeagle a pair of your old pyjamas on the steps of a church along with a note saying “If you’re reading this, you missed the Rapture.”
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Took our kids to see Santa tonight at a local restaurant that lured us there with “adult spiked hot chocolate”. My 10 yo saw Santa walk in and go up to the bar “oh no! Santa’s an alcoholic!!” So that went well.
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Has anyone actually asked kids why they’re so annoying? Maybe they don’t know?
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
*wakes up in a forest grove surrounded by deer*
ME:[nervous] are u the good deer or the evil deer?
(i see one deer holding up a classic copy of Bambi on VHS)
ME:[sigh of relief]
*deer breaks VHS in half*
ME:*gasps* oh no