Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: can I borrow $20?

Friend: No.

*slides him $50*

Me: how about now?

me: one Big Mac with no cherries

cashier: cherries?

me: no thanks

[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing

*guard enters*

FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*

Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet

I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.

Spice up your life. If an insecure person asks if you’re mad at them, always answer “I don’t know.”

My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.

Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed

Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.

The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.

Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus

Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?

Looking to join a group where every once in awhile somebody screams “fan out!” and we all do.

Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who demanded to use a fork to eat his soup and can’t eat his soup

I remember a simpler time when squirrels didn’t jump up on your picnic table and try to muscle you off your poutine.

“No problem at all, the food was delicious in the end, thank you, well worth the wait!”

Translation: I won’t be coming to this restaurant again.

I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……

Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.

“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”

I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.

Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.

Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.

*checks real estate listings on other planets*

[Barney the purple dinosaur comes on TV]

3-year-old: I hate this show.

Me: What’s wrong with it?

3-year-old: He never eats anybody.

Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.

Mob Boss: Who do they got?

Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.

Both: Oh shit.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

*accidentally watches MTV awards

“Who?”