Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt

Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart

If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.

My wife is thinking of getting her own Twitter account where she will just show videos of the aftermath of my cooking in the kitchen and narration of her just saying ” what the f**k Bill” over and over again .

Did cherry pie filling end up on the ceiling yes yes it did is that my fault 🤷‍♂️ with no documentation the evidence is only circumstantial

I didn’t hit him with my car…

I massaged him with my wheels.

Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.

1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater

Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.

This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.

Instead of Wordle, I call it Word Without Friends.

I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

[death row sitcom]

Me [sits down in a chair to eat]: This chicken is raw!

Warden [flicks switch]: That’s about to change

Sign: *APPLAUSE*

‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’

DATE: I love playful women

ME: [dusting off an old porcelain doll in my purse & setting it on the table] Oh so you won’t mind that Cynthia joins us then-

me: how’d the date go

friend: i got ghosted

me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out

My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor

It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.

10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”

I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive

netflix 2 days after a new show comes out: “the show has already been watched for one trillion minutes, making it the most successful entertainment property in human history, which is why we’re sharing the news with a heavy heart that it has not been renewed for a second season”

89% of my class in high school thought I was good in math because I’m Asian. Luckily the other 27% were smarter than that.

I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.

Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.

Me: You’re welcome.

*puts to and to together*

*blesses the rains down in Africa*

put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf

girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.

I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to