Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[dollar store]

“how much for your finest dollar?”

[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes

I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.

WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE

Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain

Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right

Holding back your crazy is like sucking in your fat. Eventually it’s gonna come out.

Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there

Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.

“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths

Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

#SaturdayBears

The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”

I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂

We talk a lot about the conflict between slow vs fast walkers and not enough about encountering someone who walks EXACTLY YOUR SPEED and it turns into a heated but silent conflict

I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.

Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

[rooster sits down in barber chair]

Give me a cockadoodledo

[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.

Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:

Other dads:

Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother

It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.

Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon

Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.

I’ve come to the terms with the fact that finding stuff in the refrigerator is not one of my life skills. Our entire fridge could be made out of roast beef and I will ask you where the roast beef is.

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die