Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A twitter swear jar could end world hunger.

(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)

Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.

Have you ever been driving in a different state and then you see a yellow road sign with like squiggles and an incline and you don’t even know what it means but you just know you don’t wanna have to do that?

I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.

hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺

If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.

[Running away from home]

Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!

What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.

My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *

*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready

[first day working at the zoo]

Me: I don’t know, one minute the tortoise was in the cage-

Supervisor: *letting me out* but how did he get your keys

My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.

May I pay you handsomely, good sir?

-Why yes you may.

*opens wallet*

*pulls out Ryan Gosling*

[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]

ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit

The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib

[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS

I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now

Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.

Of course I support real issues.

I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement

me alone with my thoughts vs me alone with my thoughts five minutes later

There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.

If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake

My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!

What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???

not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus

[first day at seminary]

PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices

ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns

PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*

I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.

Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.

As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.