Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
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We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
Pizza is a good argument against nihilism.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Kim Kardashian compared getting through her divorce was like beating cancer. Except cancer is real. She should compare her stupidity to it.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
Urban Outfitters: the most expensive way to look poor.
Aww my microbiome fancies some high quality fermented foods does it? A little kombucha perhaps? I don’t give a shit, I’m the megabiome, I do what I want. I’m having a fanta lemon. I’ll swallow coins
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
people are doing cold plunges and i’m like, when i take a bath the water is so hot you could boil pasta in it.
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.