Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.

Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.

Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

[Crossword]

7 across) Person you work with, 9 letters
COWORKER
21 down) Person you hate, 9 letters
COWORKER

I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.

Me:[slathers self in butter]

Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!

don’t feel bad if you don’t succeed on your first try. it took Michael Angelo sixteen chapels

dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.

married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too

do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones

me: aren’t you too old for a high chair

lifeguard: please go away

A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉

out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted

early man: made primitive tools from stone

late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing

GOD: I gave you my son.

MAN: You mean your only son?

GOD (thinking about his other son who dropped out of a visual & performing arts program to travel and find himself): Yes.

Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.

“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”

– The AutocorrExorcist

If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

Me: Can I leave early today?

Boss: No.

Me: Can you leave early then?

Boss: What?

Me: What?

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!

“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”

My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭

Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it

Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets

If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife

me: I have a phobia of very large numbers

therapist: I can help u

me: thanks a twelve

My existential crisis began when I realized there is no “I” in “me.”

My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too cold

Under my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect