Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.

My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside

Sorry I didn’t text you back, my hands are sore from karate chopping loaves of bread in half and feeding them to starving children all day.

In hell, every bite of steak tastes like kale.

[over megaphone]
“Police! We have you astounded!”
“Jim, it’s ‘surrounded’.”
“No, I know but look at his face.”

My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”

People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.

my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed

“well at least things can’t get any worse” has turned out to be a failure of my imagination

age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch

age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks

“How do you talk to an angel”

Me: I don’t know, Skype I guess?

“How do you hold her close to where you are”

Me: Aren’t most angels men?

My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.

It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive

You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible

There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity

[first day as a billionaire]

Me: I’ll take 300 egg mcmuffins and a small cup of your finest coke zero

They invented ceiling fans after a bunch of people got their legs cut off by floor fans.

Why isn’t “long weekend” simply written as weeeeekend?

I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.

i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.

*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.

me and who

Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.

Me: Dad, am I adopted?

Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?

It was the becestershire of times, it was the worcestershire of times.

I want you to cuff my hands behind my back.

Not for sex play but to keep my fingers away from the keyboard after reading some of the stupid shit you post.