Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s so funny that people directly compare Dune and Furiosa when all that they have in common is that there’s sand

I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off

And that’s when I realized it was a cop car

Doctor: you’re not going to make it

Me: give me a number doc

Doctor: 8

Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*

Doctor: damn son

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling

My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”

I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.

I win.

Before countdowns were invented:

*6:30 at Chili’s*

Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?

You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?

Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.

friend: why did you take up running?

me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason

Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.

Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.

Brain: Yeah, but you do.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

Studies show that sleepwalking has decreased among Americans over the last 10 years. Typical lazy Americans.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.

[my mom pretends to answer her phone] hello? oh hi Batman…i dunno if he’s eating his vegetables or not
me: [mouth full of broccoli] i am!

i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime

I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?

Me: Hogwarts.

found a twenty in my purse then channeled jesus and turned it into wine at the nearest liquor store.

Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.

Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.

Lamb: THAT’S your advice?

Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.

Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!

Therapist: (grins sheepishly)

Lamb:

Therapist:

Lamb:

Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?

In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.

Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?

Me: *winks*

-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.

Some of y’all tomorrow …

Little kids are like sponges: always damp, little bits of food stuck all over them, faint smell of mildew…

10yo all day Sunday: I’M SO BOOOOORED
10yo at 10pm Sunday night: *Has never been busier in her entire decade of life*

suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself

the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.

he taught us drama alright.

Me [coming in from walking the dog]: It’s raining bring your umbrella to the bus stop.
Child: It’s not raining.
Me: Um, yes. I was just outside.
Child: I’M LOOKING outside and it’s not raining.
Me: omg fine.
Child: [leaves]
…
…
…
Child [coming back in]: I need my umbrella.