Today I’m going to give it my almost
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Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
AT MY FUNERAL:
My old school nurse: *throws an ice pack and a cracker into my coffin* That should help.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
*discovering flying dinosaur*
PALEONTOLOGIST: We’ll call it pterodactyl, for “wing fingers”
ME: *crumples up note that says skynosaur*
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
GUY: looks like your truck could use some work
ME [patting it]: indeed
GUY [looking at a clipboard] alrighty, does it have any clerical skills?
Never say never. Unless someone asks you when you want to go camping. Then the right answer is always “Never”.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
I don’t need all of these heat advisory warnings on my phone. I’ve been outside. I have skin. I know.
My hand just touched toilet water. Now I’m on eBay looking for a second-hand hand.
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
[first date]
HER: i’m really into guys-
ME (eager to impress her): me too
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
Rey: Why do you hide behind a mask?
Kylo Ren: *takes off his mask to reveal his real face*
Rey: Wow. Put the mask back on.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Cost me $200 to fill up my tank tonight. Don’t know why I bought a tank, so impractical.
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story