Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do you do when your nose goes on strike???

You picket…

Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????

My 4yo wanted to show me how she’d put her little brother to bed. When we opened his door, he was up playing with toys. She cried NO YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO STAY IN BED and my oh my, how the tables have turned

Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.

The basketball shot clock was invented in 1954 after a player hid the ball under his shirt for 48 minutes and told everyone he was pregnant.

They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.

Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?

*lights a scented candle in my house

*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother

Please watch those candles

You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.

After I fell asleep on the couch my sweet 3 year old daughter came over, draped her blankie over me, and lovingly put a Cheez-it in my mouth. She gets me.

Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.

I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.

In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end

I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent

Nothing strikes fear in the heart of a parent like finding a container of glitter sitting on a table…with the cap off

When my 7yo was 5 she found a cape in my drawer. I told her I was a superhero and to keep it a secret. At random she would whisper “I know your secret” and it would freak me out, how much does this kid know!? Then I would remember the cape incident.

Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?

It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.

[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good

me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr

{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate

My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.

She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.

captain: a lot of rumors floating around saying I sunk the ship

sailor: [clinging to a piece of the hull] please stop calling us rumors sir

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.

the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest

Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.