Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
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[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
Dumplings,
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
If I’ve learned anything from soap commercials, it’s that only attractive people take showers.
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
[solar eclipse]
SUN: OMG everyone’s taking my picture today, they must love me! Do I look ok? Hope nobody photobombs me
MOON: Hold my beer
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Dance like like you’re not aware of the numerous cameras watching your every move.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏
I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
Mother Earth: I’m not a regular mom. I’m a Cool Mom.
[humans pollute the atmosphere and destroy nature]
Earth: This is fine. I’m a Cool Mom
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Don’t tell me I can hear the ocean if I put a shell up to my ear. If he has something to say to me SAY IT TO MY FACE U PIECE OF SHIT WATER
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.