Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
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Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.
None of them got out for a bathroom break.
Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
socratic questions
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Based on the incessant amount of times the song is sung in our house we are definitely talking about Bruno.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣