Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
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We can’t land research equipment on Venus because the heat melts the circuitry, so NASA should build rovers made from fat-free cheese because nothing can melt that garbage.
[God creating me]
And then we sprinkle in just a touch of anxiety
[the lid pops off and the whole jar spills in]
[God shrugs] He’ll be fine
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?
Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know
7YO: Maybe I’ll behave tomorrow and then you’ll let me watch tv?
Me: Why are you saying “maybe?”
Her: I don’t know the future
I have to watch my thoughts carefully because I have no filter and just told a guy his shoulders look like they smell nice.
😂🍻
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
A big FUCK YOU to people driving small cars and pulling deep into parking spaces so I think I have a spot until the last second.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
I notice you only call when you want something
Person calling: ma’am your bill is 90 days past due
Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
I’m so sick of unexpected character deaths for shock value. This is a terrible pilates video.