Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos

Mark Zuckerberg I know you are a new parent but it’s way more fun to tell children you are giving away their inheritance when they are teens

The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.

If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.

Being brave is overrated.

Just run away, screaming, like a normal human being.

The dude who invented the autocorrect has died. Restaurant in piece

[bicycle race]

Me *way behind because I’m struggling to ride two unicycles at once* wait

My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.

Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.

me: check out that beach body

other forensic detective: stop calling it that

I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.

2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans

If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.

If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying

ME: *walks by to put anything away*

WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there

Every night at bedtime I do one small ritual: six hours on my cell phone

CAPTCHA: Prove you aren’t a robot

Me, a sex machine: *sweating*

Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.

“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”

Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

DATING TIP: OFFER THEM WATER. PUT 2 STRAWS IN.

ROMANTIC WATER.

My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me

I would have suggested they just use a regular volleyball, but I guess the Olympics are special.

Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?

One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?

Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?