“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
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Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
(in job interview)
my greatest strength is how quickly i can create a hostile work environment and my biggest weakness is that i love too deeply and im constantly befriending fake people. i have no experience as a barista.
Don’t tell me I look good for my age tell me I look good for someone who is incredibly lazy and eats like I’m on death row
[I find a mysterious note in kitchen]
“LEAF 1 MILLLION UNMARKD DOG TREETS N BAKYARD BY SONDOWN OR WE RELEASH PICHURES OF U PETTIN A CAT”
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
“Finish your peas. Kids in China are starving”
“Finish your math. Kids in America are cheating off the Asian kids”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
after u do your laundry u should be allowed to get in the dryer and tumble for a little. no charge.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Me: *twenty four inch chunk of rebar sticking out of my head*
Doctor: What brings you in today?
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
very niche meme I made
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes