Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW

Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.

Murder Hornets: ok boomer

Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

So many brave flute players were killed by cobras in picnic baskets before one of them tried an Indian song.

Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.

[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*

CHINESE WAITER: what

You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.

*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*

No more excuses…

…I’m canceling that gym membership.

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide

Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go

That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.

“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]

ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait

No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.

Finally, an explanation.

Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.

9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.

me: where did you put my gravy boat?

son: on the table, next to the lettuce

me: the lettuce, the ICEBURG lettuce?

son: dad, stop with the titanic jokes

🤣could you imagine

knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health

apparently this year was written by stephen king

I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people

[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]

me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉

Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths