Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
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the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
BLACK WIDOW: help I think my husband is dead
911: did u murder him?
BLACK WIDOW: uh
911: ma’am
BLACK WIDOW: *quietly hangs up the phone*
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
excited for next month when the “hide likes” feature breaks for 11 hours and dozens of politicians have to navigate public apologies / divorces
What’s green, has six legs and would kill you if it fell out of a tree?
A billiard table.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will destroy the ecological balance.
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
what if superman felt the same way about kryptonite as dogs do about chocolate, and people always had to shoo him away from it like, “no, no kryptonite for you, bad superman”
Imagine being a fly on the wall in the closed court where Rupert Murdoch is suing his own children. You’d be the most ethical creature in the room.
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
her: *texts something funny*
me: *types hahahahaha*
*stares at it*
*deletes one ha*
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
If you didn’t want a doll made entirely out of my hair then maybe you shouldn’t have liked my selfie
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: cats climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: nope
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on