Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice

my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce

I used to think popcorn poppers were only good for making popcorn. How right I was!

They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.

If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.

dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not

I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now

Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there

[in car with wife]
“did you take $20 from my purse?”
*sips $3 coffee* no
*gets rear ended and $17 worth of sour candy falls out of glovebox*

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.

You know I’m something of a chef myself

How to lose an argument with an idiot – 1 Argue.

Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing

pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.

You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.

But God knows I’ve tried.

Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles

We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.

I goofily dance over to my pals. Shit. These r strangers. Just… dance past them to my actual friends. Oh no. Help I need 2 find some1 I know

If any of you are going Black Friday shopping this week please try and be a decent human being and turn your phone horizontal before recording any fights.

I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car

*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.

Last Christmas I gave you my heart and the very next day you regifted it to your janitor.

if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face

Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.

I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.

hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concerned

let’s talk

Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?

While it may be physically possible to have a baby after 40, forty children are probably enough.

Just made some home made Mac n cheese, so cheesy and buttery that you have to sign a medical waiver before taking a bite.

You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.